This is the noise that keeps me awake

I am supposed to be writing a thing, a script or something that resembles one. But this morning all I do is sit down, write and then that fucking annoying voice in my head starts to have conversations that drive me to distraction.

do you think he should find Jesus?

Dude, he's a serial killer or some-

right! how cool would a killer-for-jesus shirt be?

What?

do you think the new neighbor thinks you're an asshole? 

Probably. I really need to figure out how to make this character less likeable, but not so bad we're happy she dies.

do you think your wife is going to come back from her cruise?

What? Of course she is.
right. she misses the dog. 

Ugh. Shut up.

i bet charlie is wondering what the fuck is taking you so long. he probably regrets doing this with you and thinks you're an idiot. 

Well, he's not wrong. Now how the fuck do I -

that's a stupid idea. you should just quit and go play video games.

I really do want to play some more Fallout 4.

you can play one mission, then write a scene, then... 

NO! I won't get shit done. And I've done all the hard part already anyway. Now I just have to -

charlie did the hard part. you're just writing snappy dialogue that you'll probably just steal -

FUCK OFF!

whatever you don't steal is just going to be a stand in for all the things you don't have to balls to say. 

I ...

you aren't very good at this. you should just quit. 

But

- just fucking quit. and not just this.

And that, boys and girls, is what it is to be in my head every. fucking. day. I am sharing this not for pity; I am sharing it because I find that taking out the thing that is hurting me and shining a light on it, examining it, helps me move past it. Seeing the noise in my head typed out in front of me, the crippling fear that I might be useless and shit and a fuck up, all laid out in front of me steels my resolve like few other things.


But I am also sharing it because I am not unique. Not even a little bit. Somebody is reading this and thinking, that's me. And, I hope, this stupid inner dialogue of mine helps them feel less alone. Less less than.

You are not alone, dear reader. And I love you.

Now, I must away to write a script, or some shit. 

Titty sprinkles!


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