I don't want to die but, it is one of those voices that whispers in my ear.
When things suck, it's almost a scream.
When things are good, it's a constant yeah but...
I am not saying this as a cry for help. I am saying this because of the response to yesterday's dribble.
It was pointed out that, while my post was good and well meaning, maybe, the best course is to be there long before things get to that dark place.
And you know what? The people who say that are right.
It was pointed out that the strongest among us are every bit as likely (arguably more so) to take their own life and that it would be wise and compassionate to check on them, too.
I am telling you that I think about suicide daily because I know my life is, from the outside, a magical thing. And it is, actually.
And yet, that nagging is there.
I tried once and ended up in a psych ward for four days.
Pills and alcohol. A text sent in my haze brought friends to my home. They stood me up, walked me in my yard until an ambulance arrived. I was made to drink charcoal and kept for observation then admitted.
Again, I tell you this not for pity but as an example.
I love the shit out of my life. It is staggeringly beautiful.
And yet... there is always that part of me that just wants to get it over with, a part of me that cannot wait for the relief that I am sure will come with the end.
I approach my tendencies the way I approach my sobriety: one day, one hour, one minute and, when it is particularly dark, one second at a time.
Again, this is not a cry for help. This is my reminder that it is not always the sad, seemingly depressed sorts that take their lives. It's all of us. That smiling kid you see at the show tonight. That woman in love at your office. That guy with the fancy car and new promotion.
It is all of us.
I write this so you know that you are not alone. You are not abnormal. You are not weird. You are just like me. If you are thinking, why would you ever think your life would be better served without you... well, I wonder the same thing about you and your life.
So lean in. Listen. Love hard as fuck. Let's, all of us, never take each other for granted.
Have nice day.