I wrote the beginning of a thing and 1200 words later I felt like I hadn't written a thing.
Kris thinks I should turn it into a book when it's done and make the 47 of you pay for it.
I don't think it will be long enough for that.
Not long enough. Story of my life.
The other night TGB learned something about me she never knew on the way to the Jason Isbell show.
I went on a meth bender back in high school. Just a couple, three days.
I'd run away for about two weeks and part of that consisted of doing copious amounts of drugs and alcohol for about a week of it.
I also tried to bleach my hair. With bleach. Didn't know I needed to use peroxide.
I was not a smart kid.
It was a strange two weeks for me. I wanted to die. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to stop feeling everything.
I was standing in front of a church with my little redhaired girl while a bunch of my friends were fighting over who-the-fuck-remembers. I took her into the church foyer - they were having some midweek thing. Brown shag carpet, cheap, plastic fountain with holy water, a sexy Jesus hanging on a cross and the whitest fucking walls.
I collapsed into her arms. I buried my face in her thick auburn hair and breathed her in. I cried. Time slowed down almost to a complete stop for one of the few times I wanted it to.
She took my face into her hands and looked at me, wiped my tears with her sleeve, pulled me back into her and buried her face in my neck. I felt the wetness but, she wouldn't let me pull her off of me. She cried into me until she stopped. We stood there awhile, alone, the bickering outside dissipating in the quiet of the moment. Church patrons walked past without a word.
She pulled away and looked at me with those green-hazel eyes and that crooked smile. She touched the side of my face and I leaned in.
I've rarely felt that alive. I've rarely felt that broken. There is a part of me that is always in that moment.
We left and played miniature golf with our idiotic friends. Her parents picked her up at the end of the night. Same with my friends.
I broke into my grandmother's garage and slept on the floor.
I left before sunrise.
I spent the next several days high, drunk, surrounded by people but, completely alone.