Thursday, September 14, 2017

You think you get it wrong sometimes, you should come down here and see how the big boys do it.

I was laying in bed watching West Wing last night when something hit me: I am a child all over again.

TGB goes to bed early and I will usually come with which means I will be awake a couple of hours before drifting my drugs kick in. So, I throw on my Kindle Fire and watch some Netflix. Last night I decided to hide it under a cave of covers so it wouldn't be bright while she slept.

When I was a kid and doing things like that it wasn't a tv it was a flashlight and a little turntable. I would put on Diamond Dogs or The Beatles while staring at the back covers. Single earbud in my ear (that hasn't changed) as I was transported to another world via music.

There was something delicious in that feeling that I was doing something wrong in the middle of the night.

Of course, anymore the middle of the night is for the annoyance of waking up to take a leak. I chuckled to myself as I swooned over Claudia Jean.

Let's be clear: my crush is Claudia Jean the character, not Allison Janey the actress. Although, there is evidence to suggest that I might adore Ms. Janey as well.

Then I thought, I could just stay downstairs and watch this on a big tv instead of coming to bed when TGB does. 

No. This stupid little Kindle Fire is a reminder of that time I almost lost everything, including the sweet privilege of nuzzling up next to TGB every night, because of drink.

This Kindle is my second one because my first one ended up in the fireplace. I don't know why except that I was black out drunk. It was a horrible night and I was a fucking horrible man.

Writing that sentence makes me uncomfortable. Mostly because it forces me to remember what a shit I was to the people who were the best to me.

That's about the point of last night's WW episode where I stopped paying attention and remembered yet again that pulling my head out of my own ass was the smartest thing I have ever done.

She made me laugh so hard my face hurt last night. She makes me laugh every night. I smiled and looked over at her. She was asleep.  

If you need help, get help. If you think you can't do it remember: just get through today and we'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow.