Sunday, July 16, 2017

I get the blues before and after

I got a couple of those messages that nobody wants to get yesterday. Those kind that effect lives because they create before/after moments.

Some have more of those moments than others but, we all have them.

I've spent every moment since obsessing over all of my before/after moments.

Who I was before she told me she could because she made me and the person I became after. I was a boy like most others. I became a piece of meat who believed my worth was measured solely by how good I was in bed.

Who I was before Jen died and who I became after. I was growing from a ridiculous boy into something resembling a man. I was on off for seven years. I went through the motions of being alive, but forgot to actually live. I drank. A lot. To forget. To get to the end of the book a little faster.

Who I was before my dad died and who I became after. I was my father's son planning for the day I could return the favors to my father I felt owed him for always loving, always believing in me. A house with a place for him to relax and grow old in once he retired. After, I was lost. I was so fucking angry. For a little while I forgot to be my father's son and became a monster.

Who I was before the last time I drank and the person I became after. I was a lot of things, most of them not good. I put on a pretty veneer but, underneath it all I was ugly. After, with time, a lot of heavy lifting, and patience from a woman far better than I deserve I became something I like.

In between all of those moments were other, smaller before/after moments. Moments that still effect me but, didn't alter behavior. Didn't change - for better or worse - the person I was at that moment.

My Uncle Charlie dying didn't change me til I grew the fuck up.

Your wife doesn't have cancer should have been enough to make me stop drinking but, I was a fool.

By now you all know I rarely have a point, I just ramble.

If something in what I've written makes sense to you, well, there's at least one of us.

Titty sprinkles!


Postscript, none of the above made me sad or whatever. When it all rolled around in my head it wasn't with any sort emotion at all. It was a lot like opening up an old foot locker and examining the contents. There were a few, oh yeah, I forgot I even still had this moments but, no dark holes, no melancholy. Just a sense of, this is who I am after these things happened.