I would never be that cruel

My friend Peggy gave me a hat. It wasn't just any hat. It was her Sunday hat. She took a chunk of my heart when she gave it to me.

Now she posts puns on my FB wall.

You're an asshole, Peggy.

Tatiana Maslany won an Emmy last night. She should have won four. She's that fucking good.

Rami Malek won an Emmy last night. I can't wait 'til he wins the Oscar for playing my in the story of my life.

I still give Oscar speeches in the shower. I had to change the part of my speech where I said, this is going home with you, dad. I'm thinking about chucking the entire part of the speech where I thank him. Speeches have to be short, sacrifices have to be made before they turn the music on. Plus, he's dead, what the fuck is he gonna care?

That's messed up, Rudy.

Lighten up, dipshit, I was joking. I'll always thank the man whose cock I swam through to get all up in my mother's snatch.

Titty sprinkles!

Peggy, this is for you. 


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