Monday, January 18, 2016

Fido flambe

Must not murder before coffee.

I want to walk into my neighbor's house with that shit Dexter used to knock out his victims and do it to them. Then, instead of strapping them to a table with plastic, I slather them in bacon grease and bits. By the time they come to, their dogs will have already consumed a good portion of them. That's a horror movie I want to watch.

Once the hound dog and her friend have finished their meal, I will drive them to a farm where they can live out their days barking at a 12th man decibel level without disturbing the sleep of the man who wants to feed their family to them.

I don't blame the dogs, although I do hate that hound dog's fucking guts. Lucy Liu had to straight regulate on both of them (the annoying fucking hound dog and her partner a male American Bully) once. They made the mistake of thinking Dexter was a plaything and chased him into my garage. They weren't being vicious but, when two 100+ pound dogs stick their fat heads into a little dogs belly they little dog tends to yelp in fear. Lucy Liu chased the two fuckers away but, not before getting a piece of the bully's ass. She was pissed.

What's this little orange thing? Can I keep it? Can I eat it?

They turned around about halfway home and were all, what was that all about? Lucy Liu was having none of it. She lowered her head, did that satanic growl as the hair on her back stood up and the other dogs were all, you know, we'll just come back another time. It's cool.

It was the only time even I was a little bit afraid of her.

She'll eat your face if you fuck with her dog. She'll run faster than Jesse Owens in the opposite direction if you, you know, talk to me.

Fucking hell, my eyes are fucking burning.

Titty sprinkles or whatever

I keep changing the first line to

I do hate my neighbor's dog...