You don't want to spend too much time in my brain, he said.

Oh my god, I don't want a workout playlist. You can tell this by how I clicked on the "this is too fucking early" playlist, Spotify.

Ben Carson AND the scientists are wrong: the pyramids were built for the same reason men always build ungodly, unnecessarily big/fast/powerful things - because the pharaoh had a small dick.

Dear Fraternal Order of Police, your job is to uphold the law and the Constitution of the United States of America, not the opposite. Even when people say things you don't like. Also, I had zero desire to see Hateful Eight until now.

My eyeballs are buggy this morning. I blame the bonfire last night. On the beach. Under the stars entirety of the Universe. With two dates. How was your Thursday?

Rockabilly International is what happens when Suicide Girls grow up into full grown women. And take a shower.

Traci Lords was a better porn actress than Linda Lovelace and Jenna Jameson combined. Better looking, too. This is not up for debate. But she's still not much of a singer.

Fuck you, Church of the Latter Day Saints. Fuck you right in the ass with a broken glass dildo.

Coffee just tastes better in a glass mug.

Especially a glass mug stolen from the Caribbean.


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