Sunday, October 4, 2015

An app story

She always hated the way her breasts looked.

They're lopsided, she thought as she looked at herself in the mirror. Well, she said, he isn't going to see them tonight anyway.

Sara inadvertently swiped the wrong way on some app on her phone and before she knew it, she had a date with a pretty boy named Reymund. The Place was a pretentious cafe. The type that held poetry slams and catered to wannabe writers who were better at being seen than actually creating anything. She hated it. And that is precisely why she picked it. If Reymund loved The Place she'd let him have the place without her.
Jeans or skirt, she thought rifling through her closet. Jeans mean I won't have to shave. Jeans it is. 

She threw on the jeans she bought for the concerts she never goes to, picked a sensible top, threw her hair in a ponytail, touched up her lip gloss and headed to The Place.

She saw him before she walked into The Place.

Is he really wearing a wool cap? 

She was about to turn around without so much as walking in, but he saw her and came to greet her at the door.

Fuckity, fuck, fuck, she thought to herself.

Sara! He said as he gathered her up in a hug. He squeezed and lifted, Sara went limp and gave one of those half-assed pats on the back.

Oh wow, you're a hugger, okay, she said as he let her go.

Sorry, sorry. My friends tell me I have boundary issues. I just get really excited about meeting cool peeps. 

Did he really just say 'peeps'? she wondered, but dammit he smells so good.

I got us a table in the back so we can talk, Reymund said.

Oh, umm, okay. 

Should I not have? 

No, yeah, let's get this date rolling! 

They sat down in a booth. Reymund got into the same side as Sara.

So you're going to sit next to me? Okay.

I figured we could sit closer to each other, maybe canoodle. He touched the side of her face.

Holy shit, she thought, he says 'peeps' and 'canoodle.' 

Before she could process the date, he was talking again.

I already ordered for the both of us. I hope you don't mind. I'm a vegan and I just didn't want to risk you ordering something with meat. That smell would have made me nauseous and ruined this whole experience. 

That's okay, she said, I'm really not hungry. 

He pulled away from her and said, well, I'm not going to eat while you just watch with all the requisite attitude of a drama queen

Dude, chill. I'll nibble on some fries or something. 

Whoa, easy there chica, I'm just trying to be a nice guy. Maybe this is why you're single. 

Sara's eyes widened as she took in Reymund's bile.  Dude, you're an asshole! 

I'm not the one too good to eat with my date!

Let me out of this booth!

No, wait, I'm sorry! Really, I just really wanted to make an awesome impression on you and maybe I got a little ahead of myself. Don't go.

Sara sat there relieved that she hadn't bothered shaving her legs. Fine, but could you at least sit on the other side of the booth?

Whatever, Reymund whined as he pulled himself out of one side of the booth and threw himself into the other.

I'm on a date with a fucking two year old, Sara thought to herself.

They sat there in silence for a moment or two, but really it felt like an hour or two. Sara caught herself enjoying the silence because Reymund was clearly uncomfortable with it. The waitress showed up and broke the silence as she delivered some tofu thing pretending to be real food.

Can I get ya'll anything else?

Reymund started to send the waitress away, but before he got a word out Sara said, I would love a cheeseburger! Medium rare with grilled onions. 

She glanced at Reymund and was more than a little pleased with herself.

I know you're a vegan, but I suddenly got a hankering for a cheeseburger. I hope you don't mind, you pretentious fucker. 

The last part of that sentence she said on the inside. Reymund looked like someone kicked his puppy. Sara was pleased.

Reymund sat there fiddling with his tofurkeef tacolike thing, maybe this was a mistake. 

What? This date? 


I'm having a great time, a very self-satisfied Sara said.

You're mean, Sara. I don't like mean people. I'm gonna go. 


He got up from his side of the booth trying to think of something to say that might sting Sara. All he could come up with was a pathetic, you're not going to try to stop me?

Reymund, you're a good looking guy. You smell so damn good, too. But the hat, the tofu, the skinny jeans... just, no. 

You are just a bitch! he said as he stormed off.

Oh my god, she thought to herself, I just had a date with a gay guy and he doesn't know.

Sara sat there for a moment just laughing to herself. She took out her phone and brought up the app that ushered Reymund into her life. Just then the waitress showed up with her burger.

Here's your burger, ma'am. 

Yum! Thank you! 

The waitress motioned to Sara's phone, is that that dating app all these single people are hooking up on? 

Sara chuckled, yes it is. 

I would be so afraid I'd end up meeting a jerk, or worse, I'd end up in the trunk of some guy's car! They both laughed. Can I get you or your friend anything else?

I'm fine and he's, well, I guess I was lucky he wasn't for stuffing me in his trunk. 

The waitress's eyes got big and she said, I am so sorry I didn't mean - 

Don't be! It's fine and it's going to make for a really funny story one day. 

Well that's the right way to look at it, hon, the waitress said. A pretty girl like you, you don't need a stupid phone to get you a date no how, she said and walked away.

Sara looked at her phone one more time. She brought up her app list and hit delete app on the Reymund finding app.

Are you sure you want to delete? Her phone prompted.

Oh god yes. And like that, it was gone.

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