Friday, May 29, 2015

Dear god, why poop?

I changed a lot of diapers growing up. It was part of the motivation to never have children. I don't care how adorable you think a kid is, if I have to clean up its smeared shit, that child becomes an instant asshole in my book.

That's why I got dogs. They pee outside, and poop in neat piles that go straight into a bag and get tossed in the garbage.

Today Lucy Liu made me reconsider my love of dogs with her Linda Blair rectal imitation in her kennel this morning. Gross. I just spent twenty minutes on my hands and knees cleaning up a runny mess. Yes, she's sick, but it's still fucking annoying!


I wish Bernie Sanders was a young, beautiful man instead of an old dude who looks like he could be related to Colonel Sanders. It's a superficial thing, I know, but people would take him seriously then. Instead, the political media is treating him like a drunk uncle who is going to annoy us until he passes out.

All I smell is poop so I am going to go shower.