Friday, September 12, 2014

You can lean on me, I may lean a little too

Get out of your asshole! is a thing you say a lot when you own a dog.

I don't like to talk religion but, it's Friday and as a Pasatafarian I feel the need to share the news that Friday is a holiday for us. Also, we have beer volcanoes and stripper factories in heaven. Seriously, why would you want a mansion or 70 virgins when you could have beer and hot naked chicks people (strippers come in all genders!) who know what they're doing.

I just looked up from my laptop and another NFL player beat a woman. I'm sure no one will care unless there's video evidence.

I was in an abusive relationship. My first marriage in fact. For two years she would throw shit like boots, vases, whatever she could get her hands on. Once she took a machete to my amp and bass (which still bears the scars). Sometimes she connected. Mostly she slapped me a lot. Sometimes there were punches. My response was always to walk away (which only made her more furious).

She never seriously hurt me. I suppose that would be my #whyIstayed tweet. The reality was, I thought a man should be able to handle that shit.

My end came when I finally put my hands on her. Long story very short, we had another fight and I decided to leave. As was her usual MO, she followed screaming, hitting. I got to the door and realized I forgot my keys in the bedroom so I had to run the gauntlet again. I grabbed my keys and turned to go only to find her blocking my exit. I tried to squeeze by her only to have her jump on my back and start pounding my skull. That's the moment I lost it.

I backed her up to a wall and slammed until  she fell off of me. Then I calmly turned around, picked her up by her throat and lifted her off her feet. I will never forget what happened next. I held her by her throat and said, if you touch me again, I will kill you. I won't hurt you, I won't hit you, I will fucking murder you. I let her down and she crumpled like a duffle bag and I left.

I'm convinced that had she hit me one more time I would be sitting in a prison cell right now.

That was the only time I ever put my hands on her. We were divorced a few months later.

I dunno why I'm telling you this shit.