Originally Published 12/5/2012. It was my What I've Learned (I promise new shit tomorrow)
Growing up, a boy needs his mother; Nothing ruins more relationships than a man who has no idea how to let a woman be nurturing.
Old movies are like old friends; I am ALWAYS happy to see either.
I can express things with my guitar that I cannot articulate with words. Give your child an instrument, people!
If you want a woman with big tits, don’t whine about her wanting a big cock. Vice versa ladies.
The worst thing to happen to Christ is Christians.
Dogs are very tear absorbent.
You don’t have the right to tell anyone else who they can love. You may think you have that right, but you are wrong.
At least once in your life take a few weeks and drive across this country. I promise, you will fall in love with it more than you could begin to imagine. That’s been one of the best ancillary benefits of being a road comic.
Cancer is a dirty fucking cunt.
Hair grows in the most annoying and unexpected places.
No matter how old you get, you are always a little boy to grandma.
Strippers and porn actresses are some of the shrewdest businessmen you will ever meet.
Fart jokes are always funny to heterosexual men.
Heterosexual men are really twelve year old boys.
Racists comes in every color.
Men and women are just fine on their own.
But once a man finds a woman worth marrying he becomes pretty feeble without her.
Money is the God of most Americans.
Most babies are really ugly and we’re just lying to be nice.
You can tell how good someone will be in bed by how well they dance.
A comedian who can’t take a joke is always a shitty comedian.
Always pay it forward for no reason other than it is simply the right fucking thing to do.
I am a bull in a china closet. I am more than okay with that.
Cleaning and cooking isn't woman’s work; It’s work that will get you laid.
Merlot is shit.
Laughing at the monster will defang that bastard.