Thursday, May 24, 2018

Ain't that some shit

I was all set to become a Seahawks fan. Then the NFL decided to force players to stand for the anthem. Then I became ready to seriously dump the league. Then the Jets owner said, fuck off, I'll pay any of the fines of our players protesting. Now I am considering becoming a Jets fan.

Look, an employer can fine employees for almost anything they want. I have no problem with that if you know that as an employee going in.

I do have a problem with any employee or school or anyone telling anyone else that they are obligated to stand for a pledge, an oath, a fucking song that proves some dumbfuckery notion of patriotism.

Patriotic tests are un-Constitutional.

Any veteran who tells you otherwise has forgotten his/her oath.

You want to stand for the National Anthem and face the flag, I will fight anyone who tries to stop you.

You want to peacefully protest during the same National Anthem, I will fight anyone who tries to stop you.

Seriously though, I am thinking about ditching the entire NFL after this.

Fuck Roger Goodell and his dumbfuck minions.

Titty sprinkles!


Wednesday, May 23, 2018

If I have a point, I don't know what it is

You can tell a lot about a person by the books they read.

I have boxes of books at the libary that I have been sorting through brought in by a woman looking to clear space three years after the passing of her husband. They had a lifetime together but, she doesn't really read the stuff he read so, she decided to donate his books.

As I am going through his collection I am discovering something rather unique about him. His reading choices span across all political, religious, and even social spectrums. In short order I have become rather impressed by this man.

Yesterday his widow came in with more boxes and I mentioned my observation to her.

I have a copy of the Koran that I am keeping because it has notes he wrote throughout. He believed in always looking at things from the perspective of the other side. It helped him as a leader and brought people together who would otherwise never consider that they share things in common. 

I caught myself lamenting that I'd never met her husband.

I also caught myself feeling a sense of guilt. I am so angry anymore that I don't want to know or ever care why people voted for and continue to support #45. I have this overwhelming sense of, they're all stupid so they can go fuck right off without actually considering maybe, along with being stupid, they're actually doing what they feel is best for this country in supporting a monster man like #45.

I pride myself in engaging, in having the uncomfortable conversations; whether the topic be guns, god, abortion, whatever.

But dammit if I don't have the hardest time getting there with #45 supporters.

I have a copy of the Koran. I read most of it. I wanted to know if there really is much of a difference between Jews, Christians and, Muslims. There really isn't. Which makes the centuries of hate between them all so bizarre and confusing.

Maybe he had bridges even he couldn't cross.

Maybe I am just too lazy to try.

I have to let the dogs out and get to the libary.

Titty sprinkles!


Tuesday, May 22, 2018

It's how it is

Get up, she said.

What?

Get up. You have to go.

Go where?

I don't care. I just don't want you here anymore. 

I woke up thinking of those lines and didn't want to forget them for later. I forget more than I ever write.

So many of the times TGB sees me talking to myself I am trying to remember something I meant to write down some time before.

I got a message from my baby brother the other day. He was finally listening to Frank. He was playing the new record and, apparently, bought four Frank records.

We got him tickets to the Phoenix show way back when.

If he'd shown up, we probably wouldn't have met Charlie. 

Wow, you're right. Which means the Nord wouldn't be here right now. 

Nope. 

Our life would look nothing like it does. 

Funny because it's true.

I love my life. Exactly as it is. Minus my own occassional dumbfuckery, of course.

Titty sprinkles!


Monday, May 21, 2018

Jumipin' Jiminy

It's strange to me that more people were upset by a fucking meme than an actual mass shooting. Not surprising but, strange.



Here's my question to the people who felt the need to defend their god because of the above meme: did you do more than pray for the families that have been beset by the tragedy of losing a child after the latest school mass shooting? Did you actively engage your legislators - write them, call their office, tweet at them that you demand they do something, anything other than the usual, empty platitudes of thoughts and prayers?

My guess is that none of the people who were complaining, who messaged me that I am being hateful, actually have poured as much passion into contacting their government to demand reasonable gun legislation that could potentially save even just one life as they have into posting their grievances about my treatment of their god.

Anyway, to me, that meme is about the fucking futility of thoughts and prayers after another (in what is sure to be a line of many more to come) mass shooting in this country.

Thoughts and prayers are as futile as wishing upon a star.

Titty sprinkles!


Friday, May 18, 2018

I'm a little cranky

I want to shave Dexter down to nothing and leave him outside in the sun 'til he blisters.

Oh my god, Rudy, how can you say that about a dog?!?

Because saying it prevents me from doing it you fucking whiner.

His anxieties woke me up a few times last night. In fact, I should be sleeping now but, little mcpussyface heard thunder in the distance and decided I needed waked up an hour before my alarm. Daddy, there's a noise in the sky! Daddy! Daddy! Skynoise! We're gonna dieeeeeee!!!!

That little fucker is upstairs panting his little face off in his kennel and Lucy Liu is probably all, mister, why are you making the little guy my problem now? I was sleeping, MISTER! 

You know how you see those racist fuckfaces that have become emboldened by your precious orange leader to be more openly racist? And you know how you think, oh, that's the media making it a bigger deal than it is in reality? And you know how your friends of color are trying to make you understand that no, you're just getting to see what we deal with on the regular? Well, now it's not just happening on the interwebs. This morning alone, in between sentences I looked on the book of faces and two of my friends were directly effected (affected?) by the glorious new era of open racism in this country.

I am so excited for my turn!

I mean, I have had racists fuckfaces in my face before but, surprisingly, not since President Orance Cuntface has taken office.

I have to poop.

Titty sprinkles!


Thursday, May 17, 2018

I'm not the man I used to be

I stared at a photo of Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton for about five minutes this morning. It was from Limelight. It's kind of a heartbreaking movie.

But not really kinda.

A recovering has been drunk who sneaks a drink to hide from ... himself?

Anyway, I am always moved by the photo of those two giants at an age when the best was supposedly behind them making something so fucking poignant. It's like irony or, whatever.

The Nord goes home in a couple of days.

I think Lucy Liu will be the saddest dog in the world when that happens.

Lucy Liu does not like most people. I would say she is discerning but, I am the person she chose so there is a strong argument to be made that she has shit taste.

A friend of mine shot me a text late last night checking up on me, making sure I am okay. I worry about him a lot. I told him something I believe with all of me: every time you wake up, it's a fucking win.

Depression is a real thing for a lot of you. I'm cheering for you.

Titty sprinkles!



Wednesday, May 16, 2018

I prefer his brother Michael

I never thought I would share something in common with the North Korean government but, I too find John Bolton repugnant.

The last time Pigs in Zen played in my head this much John Bolton was leading the charge for a war in Iraq.

Captain Mal has a new show. I love that Two is joining him. My two favorite captains.

If you don't get the above references, you aren't a cool nerd. You probably only watch LoTR or whatever. Bleh.

Friends I have who were virgins when we met having grandkids now is just fucking weird.

Friends I have buried who were better than I have ever been.

We have tickets to see Deadpool 2 on Friday. I am more excited than I was the first time I got a blowjob.

Less nervous, too.

I am going to cook the remaining bacon and make breakfast burritos while the Nord and TGB sleep in. There's just enough bacon for me.

Suck on that, ladies.

Titty sprinkles!

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.

Our libary has all of the Lemony Snicket books on audio so I brought them home to rip them onto my iTunes. Tim Curry does the reading so it was impossible to pass up. I loved the movie so much so that I know I will love the books.

If nothing else, I will love Tim Curry reading them to me.

I am multitasking this morning so this is likely going to suck.

People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.
I may also be stealing Lemony Snicket quotes from Goodreads.

I'm making phone calls and texting with Scott. Two grown ass men over forty texting like adolescent girls.

All the secrets of the world are contained in books. Read at your own risk.
That one reminds me of the Steve Martin quote from Grand Canyon:


I happen to believe both quotes religiously. 

I also believe the quote:
It's never complicated, Jane. - Hugh Jackman
See, I'm not just plagiarizing Lemony.

And now there is a fucking yellow fly in my house.

I hate Florida.

At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey.

Titty sprinkles!


Monday, May 14, 2018

If we burn it down

Tossed and turned until about 5 AM when I fell into a nice, deep sleep.

Then I dreamed about Katie Nolan and woke up laughing hysterically. We were making fun of drunks and dudes who wouldn't take no for an answer the first time. Well, she was, I was mostly trying not to piss myself laughing.

I know I am a little late to the party but, I love the newest Kacey Musgrave album.

I watched my first ever Eurovision the other night. It was fun, interesting, weird, beautiful, cringeworthy and even sexy. Next year I want to be in Europe when it happens.

I also want to be in Cape Canaveral around the same time for the fiftieth anniversary of the moon launch.

Eurovision in Europe will have to wait til 2020.

We haven't been to the moon in 45 years. That is too damn long. We need to spend less money blowing each other up and more of it exploring this glorious universe.

But there's way more money in killing each other national defense, Rudy. 

Right, my bad.

It's our last week with the Nord. I am going to miss her. I should write down all the things she says that are fucking hilarious. But then I think, no, we're keeping those for ourselves and the few we might tell along the way.

No, you cannot have our Nord. Get your own.

Titty sprinkles!


Saturday, May 12, 2018

She's better live

When your best friend texts you from a concert that you need to Google the opener, you find that opener for the morning's dribble. Nepotism be damned.

Yesterday I was going to tell you all the good news: TGB's biopsy came back negative. I didn't cry or get gooey. I just smiled nonchalant AF and was like, cool. 

I skipped the dribble when I saw the sad news.

So many of my friends love Scott and his music. More than a few credit the music of Frightened Rabbit with saving their life.

Music literally saves lives.

Except, it doesn't always.

And it just felt like gloating to feel so ... happy about life when death tapped so many of my loved ones on the shoulder to wake up.

That same best friend sent me a message that she (like me) never really listened to Frightened Rabbit before but, (unlike me) had spent the day listening to them and wished she'd found them sooner.

My first instinct when I read the news was to play Given To Fly and Anytime. I don't really know why, I just know that's where my heart went. I thought about suicide and my dad. I thought about the times I sat there considering it. I thought about my time in an Ohio psych ward after swallowing a bunch of pills. I got smart and crushed them up thinking it would make it easier to absorb, in fact. I thought about all the times I think about getting in my kayak and disappearing into the Gulf.

I get it. I really do.

Don't worry, I only think about doing that if I should ever come up with something terminal.

But I would be disingenuous if I said I never think about it.

And now we're talking about it. Well, you're listening and I am talking.

Thank you for listening.

Titty sprinkles!


Thursday, May 10, 2018

Put on your red shoes and let's do this!

It's always disheartening when the best people think they are shit people and the shit people go about their day convinced they're as awesome as me.

I am going to learn the dance to Little Changes because all I want in life is to be a Frank Turner Flygirl.

Okay, I just spent twenty minutes watching the above video. I think I can do this.

I may even go audition on SYTYCD next season with this song. Nigel, here I come!

TGB and the Nord are going to come home Saturday and I will be in 80's short shorts, covered in sweat looking like...

The 80s were a glorious age.

Look people, if a schmuck like me can try to learn a dance like this with less than a snowball's chance in hell of ever becoming a Frank Turner Flygirl (Trademark), then you can believe you're worth a damn.

Because you are. I promise.